Ryan Irelan

is a publisher, author, developer, husband, and father. At 6'5" he can't dunk a basketball but he sure wishes he could.

What I do: Happy Cog & Mijingo

Proper Halloween Candy Procurement Procedures

TO: Team

FROM: Management

The procurement of Halloween candy during the month of October is an important process. Notice I did not say “the day before Halloween” or “five minutes before the first little brat rings the bell.” Properly sourced Halloween candy can take weeks. Start early and test often. That’s the motto. If you’re short on time, you can stop here. Otherwise, read on.

You Are What You Treat

Before you grab for that bag of mixed sweets, most of which you’ve never heard of because they were manufactured in the back woods of Bolivia by a pair of twin brother lumberjacks, please know that you are what you treat. You should never, under any circumstances imaginable to the Almighty himself, hand out candy to the neighborhood goblins that you wouldn’t eat yourself.

That’s right. No off brand candy, no snack bites that barely fill the whole in your tooth and absolutely no fresh fruit. I know you’d probably eat fresh fruit but handing out fruit instead of candy is creepy. The neighbors will forever walk suspiciously past your house while tightly grasping their child’s hand as if there was some evil vortex that could suck them into your yard and feed them fresh fruit for all of eternity.

Do Proper Candy QA

Treat this like software. Do you write tests for your code? Of course you do. Do you test everything three times before release? Yes. Do you spare no expense or time making sure it’s right? Oh yes you do.

Do the same for your Halloween candy treats. All candy you procure must be thourougly taste tested. Typically, this responsibility falls to the man of the house, but anyone (except kids; too dangerous) will do.

There are no limits to the testing. If I feel like eating…I mean if the testing warrants an extra bag of Peanut Butter Snickers™, then you should get that extra bag. This is no time to be selfishly concerned with the dolphin-like figure that you’ve been working on since your Spring allergies reminded you that pool season is around the corner. It’s October. Pool season isn’t even within a 5 mile radius. Plenty of time to shed the chunks.

Test and test often. Nauseua and diarrhea are signs of a true tester. BRB.

Don’t be the Toothbrush Guy

Growing up there was a dentist in a neighborhood near mine who always gave out toothbrushes for Halloween. As kids, we all thought it was funny, odd, and kinda cool.

We were dumb kids.

As an adult I realized that dentist gave us toothbrushes with his name on them and was simultaneously advertising his business to us while backhandedly telling us how dumb we were for inhaling pillow cases full of candy in 48 hours time. Yeah, well….

It’s brilliant, if you think about it. But don’t be the Toothbrush Guy. You’re not cute, funny or cool. You’re a tool handing out tools. The kids are there to rot their teeth for a few days per year. Back off with the holier than thou, Mr. Cavity Killer.

Go forth and do good work!

cc: Toothbrush Guy, The World

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